This post is digging into honestly a place that I would rather shut off than admit happened.

I've had a hard time with people not supporting my decision to have this surgery. Granted, most of them are keeping their mouths closed tight except on rare occasions. Last night it was P's turn. He's scared (I'm scared.. but I have peace with my decison) and he lashed out on me for so many different things.

He's sure I've cheated on him (he says he believes I didn't .. but he's said that a thousand times)and the hard part about it is that he doesn't talk to me about his concerns when I'm awake. No, he waits until I'm asleep. I had enough enough last night. I told him I have never and will never cheat on him. But, I also told him that by believing I could do that is pushing me away. After we got that out of the way he decided to attack my take charge attitude about our family. I don't feel like he ever supports me in decisions for the family. I ask and ask for input. He makes one comment then clams up. So now he wants me to give up my cell phone and do whatever he wants so that he can be the head of the family. There's no way I'm going to step down and be a submissive. I want him to take a more active role in our family. If he started doing that.. well, I wouldn't have to take charge so much.

I don't know what's going on with him. I can't leave him and take his babies away. He really does love them. I'm not sure he loves me. I feel like I'm only useful for middle of the night romps. He doesn't spend much time with me when I get home from work. He waits until I'm fast asleep, then comes upstairs and trys to get his groove on. He was caressing me when he said he thought I was having an affair. How can you do that?

Last night was the most demeaning night I have ever had with him. I want to go to marriage counseling. He refuses. I need to go to counseling after surgery to handle all the changes in my life and that will just make him mad. He'll say the therapist is conspiring to get me to leave him or make him change.

Today he said he doesn't want me to have this surgery. I haven't exhausted all of my options yet. Well, I believe I have. I know that if I don't have this surgery tomorrow my weight battle will only get worse. I have faith in my surgeon and I am praying that God's will is done. No, I don't want to die or have complications. But, I have decided to put this on God's plate. I can't carry it all on my own.


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