Nerves.. Gah. I hate that I am so anxious. I spent an hour reading the memorial page at, I don't think that was the wisest thing to do. So many of the people who passed don't have explanations. I wish I knew more. I am grateful that my surgical group has no one on the page.

I will have to be careful my entire life. I could have many complications. The medic alert bracelet is very necessary. I will get one as soon as possible (of course it will have to be resized).

Why do I want to have this surgery? Because if I don't have it now I could get bigger and have more health problems, I am starting to have trouble with my ankles and knees, my energy sucks, high blood pressure, and my mental health. I don' t believe my mental health will be great once I have the surgery. I believe the surgery will be a tool to help me become the person I want to be on the inside and outside. I need to learn to live instead of watching from the sidelines and critisizing. I need to learn to stop critisizing myself.

I looked really cute yesterday at church. I had on a eyelit black skirt that hit my calves. I had on a fitted green top. I felt good. But, I had trouble walking in the heels. I felt like I could fall at any minute. So for a few minutes I wondered why I was so critical of myself and why I wanted this surgery so badly. It's not my size (although I do feel fat naked or in pjs) as much as it is the future of my health.

How fair is it that my size is the one thing that is keeping P and myself from having more kids? That's my main holdback on agreeing to more kids. I can barely keep up with my kids now. I want to do so much more with them and any other future kids. I want to have a normal pregnancy where an OB asks me if I want to repeat my c-section or try for that vaginal birth. People think I'm crazy. I just don't want to be high risk for the rest of my life because of my weight. Ok, now I feel stupid. I will be high risk because of this surgery. But, I'm hoping that it's a positive high risk. One where I can have a more normal pregnancy than my two previous pregnancies.

It's all about change. I'm changing every day. Not just my weight but, my outlook on life.

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