If you had asked me 15 months, or even 3 months ago, if I wanted more children, I would have said NO, but my husband does. I would have told you that I am extremely afraid of getting and actually being pregnant. My two beautiful children are here and I have, frankly, had enough pain and fear. The fight to get pregnant with T consumed my life for three years. Once he was born, I was so happy to have him and didn’t want to jinx my good luck by asking for another precious child. Slowly I warmed to the idea of having another child when T was two years old. On my visit to the RE we found that I was pregnant. Good omen, right? Nope, I lost that pregnancy at 9 weeks. I convinced myself that the PCOS had caused the un-medicated eggs to fail at producing a viable pregnancy. (Just a couple of weeks ago I told my OB/GYN that I would not be comfortable with a natural cycle even after the weight loss.) I lost the baby in November of 2004 and by February I was chomping at the bit to get and stay pregnant. Thankfully, the first cycle worked and R made herself at home in my uterus. With the complications of obesity and high blood pressure I was monitored every two weeks by my wonderful OB/GYN (who is an hour away... my choice). At 26 weeks I was put on half days and by 30 weeks I was completely out of work. When I came in for my 36+ week visit (now weekly) she decided that I would not be going home. After 5 days in the hospital Rachel came into the world. She was never really in “danger” but I had put us in an unacceptable situation. I had put my husband and son in a horrible place at a time when we should have enjoyed the last few days of being a family of three.

Today, I think about having another baby. The term “my ovaries are starting to hurt when I see that beautiful baby” is ringing very true for me right now. Like I said, I will probably go to the RE when we decide it’s safe to have another baby. I would love twins (this is a selfish thing... DH wants two more and I can only imagine being pregnant one more time) and I want to have them as soon as possible without putting myself or future children in danger.

With this said, I also have thought about my feelings on birth control and God’s will. It’s a sticky subject and I don’t want to get it too deep into it. At this point in my life, I have taken this out of God’s hands. It stinks, but I don’t trust my body and I believe that I need to get to that point where I do trust my body again. How does that get to God’s will? Well, my lack of faith in my body strongly points to a lack of faith in God. I hate admitting that. It is something that I will conquer. Coming to a decision about stopping birth control when I’m at a healthy weight could mean more than one pregnancy for me. I’m willing to accept that possibility. But, I’m being honest here and admitting that I am SCARED of experiencing another miscarriage.

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2 thoughts:

    Jean-Luc Picard said...

    Having a baby is a mutual thing, Heather. Both have got to be fully committed to deciding it's the right thing.

    Michele sent me here.

  1. ... on 10:29 AM  
  2. The Torch Singer said...

    Hi Heather,

    Michele sent me...


    I don't know what to say to you. I am 31...have no children...and also have PCOS. I am on the fence about trying and am probably not going to have any.

    I can feel your grief.


  3. ... on 8:08 PM