Life hasn't been awful - just consistently frustrating. I'll start with the good things though.. L is starting to crawl (army style.. but still he's moving), R is getting ready for her ballet recital and is sooo tall that she's too big for her scooter and bicycle (we're going to get a new bike at least), T is doing awesome in school and at home (he started @DD medication 2.5 weeks ago), ALL 3 kids sleep in their own beds which are in their own rooms EVERY NIGHT, and last but not least I'm getting my own computer (keep reading to see why this is AWESOME).

However there are clenchers in my life right now:

1. I hate WLS/Gastric Bypass/PCOS/Infertility/Hirutism. My body has betrayed me my entire life. Why should today be any different?
*I'm trying my damnedest to nurse L but he needs supplementation. It was the same with T and R.. so why am I frustrated? Because I want to be NORMAL!
*I hate that a pass gas without any warning. This is embarrassing around my children. How can I be a good role model when I'm letting out air rockets? This doesn't count the times when my gut just decides to start talking to whomever is around. (this is caused by RNY)
*I hate that I have to be conscious of everything that I eat and that I bring it up so often. I don't want to be a martyr. But I feel like I need to let people who are around me what's up in case I start getting all weird. I have to get my protein and vitamins and if I don't I'm a weakling (even more than I've become.. ugh I can't pull the carseat out of the van some days). PLEASE don't serve me pasta as the only dinner option (I'll be in the restroom trying to retch if you do). WLS was a tool to allow me to get to a size that is healthier. I'm at the doctor MORE than I was pre-op. I'm so frickin tired of it. T told me today that he's sorry that I ever had to have the surgery. Right now.. I am too. I'm not happy with my flabby body.. I'm glad I'm skinnier.. but the cost is almost too much. I'm not even sure that my blood pressure is down. I'm just burying my head about that right now because I've got too much other crap going on.
*So I lose 120lbs and you would think everything would be hunky dory right? Nope.. my body is still infertile (and irregular) and my face gets new hairs every day. I've tried laser treatments that caused the hairs to get darker. I'm embarrassed that I may have a 5 o clock shadow some days. How F'd up is that?

2.We entered credit counseling. It will be a great thing in 5 years. But.. today it still sucks. We are in another dry spell of P's overtime and my babysitting is sporadic at times. P has applied to go over seas to work for a year. I'm actually excited about him going because it means that when he gets home we won't have to worry about money as much.

*We did our taxes and already have our federal return. Wohoo! We lost soo much money on the house in VA that our tax return doubled. So we get to pay off some debts, go on a small vacation (because I demanded a vacation), and buy my laptop (because P wants me out of the office and off his computer)

*Money is tight and I'm torn as to whether I want to go back to school, stay home with the three kids we have, have more babies, or just go back to work now and school later. So many options and none of them seem to be the right one for us. Ugh.

3. P is a prick. 90% of the time lately I can say that P has been doing an awesome job. But he's back tracking and he doesn't SEEM care what it costs me. I'm treading water emotionally but I know he would flip out if I said I wanted to go on something to help me out. I can't describe how I feel other than to say I felt the same way a month before I went into the hospital for a week with IBS (only IV morphine and nothing by mouth for a week seemed to work). Needless to say I don't want to go through that again .. however I'm at a loss for what to do.

*P hears me and seems to try.. but he's not really .. and if he does.. he's keeping score.

*I'm constantly trying to please everyone around me and I never please my biggest critic (myself).

*I really want to go to Walt Disney World (this could be almost 50% of what we pain in 2007 due to my brother being in the Air Force Active Duty) this year but my sister is whining that she doesn't want to go with us (she'd rather Nick Suites and Universal) and i really wanted this(a merging of siblings and families to a "neutral destination") to become a family tradition every few years. Now whenever I bring it up she says I need to get a life. The only response i have for her is that this is my escape and I need to plan this escape so I can look forward to it.

* I have to know every possibility and make contingency plans. My life is not allowing that right now.

I'm exhausted and done. The kids are finally all asleep in their own beds.


This entry was posted on 10:09 PM and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 thoughts:

    DJ said...

    I'm a big planner too and I LOVE having something to look forward to. The key is to make it smaller, like 2-5 days away instead of months (that's hard, I know)

  1. ... on 7:24 PM